15 Mar Why forgiving yourself is key to you moving on …
You know why forgiveness is so flipping important, needed, essential, and has to be done – let me tell you why. Forgiveness doesn’t change the past but it changes the future.
We cannot do anything about the past, nothing … but we can affect and change our future. But when we spend days and months, and yes even years wondering how life would’ve been IF this had rather happened, or so and so didn’t do that to me, or say that to me, or make me feel like that. We spend so much time pondering the would’ve, could’ve, should’ve space that we cannot see what is happening today or could happen tomorrow. And if all we do is focus on the past, and drag that should’ve, could’ve, would’ve around with us we will never evolve, shift and transform into what we could and should be. All we do is create more that we can lump into the should’ve, could’ve, would’ve bag.
I know I have spoken before about the fact the true forgiveness is what needs to happen in order for you to move on, which it does, but true and real forgiveness of yourself is just as important. More often than not the forgiveness that is required started in a situation, and involved at least one other person, but in fact is a view and opinion that you created of yourself and for yourself in that situation … and that is what needs to be forgiven. You need to forgive what you decided about you in that situation.
I know for me that all my self-confidence issues began and grew and multiplied and expanded and got completely out of control because of what I decided about me in a situation involving others. Does that sound familiar?
For me, most of the situations that I remember like they happened yesterday involved me putting myself down, judging myself, criticising myself, not standing up for myself … pretty much anything that made me feel NOT worthy. I can remember so many instances that all came down to me deciding that I just wasn’t good enough to be around, to be picked, to be liked, to be friends with, to be loved, to be worth it, to be promoted, and wow the list can go on and on for me … I am sure you can think of a few for yourselves too.
But what I came to realise (very very recently) was that all I have done my whole life is carry all these thoughts and situations and happenings around with me, in a big bag. And every so often I had to get myself a bigger bag because it got too full.
But what was the biggest eye-opener for me was that it clicked for me that I have literally taken each of those thoughts about me and applied them to any new situation that I might go into. Let me give you an example … when I was young, like 5 years old young, I was left at the break by my one and only friend, she left me and never came to play with me. It shook my world like you have no idea. Nowadays, when I am about to go into a friends party, where I know there will be people I don’t know … I go into a state of anxiety because I feel like I am back at that break time where I was left alone with no one to play with, no one talking to me, no one choosing me. So I go into the party and I think no one will want o say hello, or talk to me, or stand with me … I will be alone because no one will pick me. So I end up going in and standing alone because I am terrified to say hello in case no one says anything back, or they turn their back on me. So I stand alone, again.
I have brought that with me for 40 years now. And it defines who I am each and every time I have to go to a party or event. I let it define and decide what my experience will be long before it happens. I have decided for me. Because I haven’t forgiven myself for what I said about myself that day. I am not saying I was wrong to wait for my friend who never showed up, but I am saying I should forgive myself for deciding I was meant to be alone because I wasn’t good enough.
This is why I say it is essential that we forgive ourselves in order to move on.
If you do not forgive yourself, you will live in the world you have created. As much as the people involved in the situations have contributed towards those feelings you have of yourself, it was all you who decided to either accept what they were saying or all you who decided to accept it as yours to own. You do not have to own what others think or say, you decide who and what you are.
If you forgive yourself you will feel so completely and utterly free … you will feel like you again … you will feel like you have so much to do.