05 Aug My confidence was gone, & it felt like I might explode
It was a Thursday morning, around 11am, I was driving to my office, and all of a sudden I felt like I was nowhere, all I had been working for and dreaming of, and planning for myself just wasn’t going to happen. I couldn’t breathe … I realised I was probably having an anxiety attack (not that I have ever had one before), but I was sure this was it. Let me backup a little and give you some context …
I know I am destined for more
I have been working hard, very flippin hard, to put my future plans together. I use every free moment I have to do this. And I am doing it because I know what I am meant to do, and I know I am destined for more than what I am doing right now. I have taken courses, invested in myself, put myself out there, even sacrificed some things (and some pretty special things I might add) all because I want what I want. I have had a vision and a view of what my future looks like, and how it will all pan out, and this vision, and my excitement for it is what drives me to continue. I can feel it, it is so right for me that I can taste it.
Everything has been moving along beautifully, A, to B, to C, and so on. I then decided to step change slightly, which was because it made perfect sense, and it made me even more excited. While I was going through one of the courses I even came to the realisation that I was petrified of actually succeeding, and this is one of the massive factors that was holding me back. I worked through that and continued to grow and shape and refine what I was doing. All lovely and moving. Now please remember, my other name is Organized Joy, so when you throw a spanner in the works, or something falls out of line to the overall plan, to say I feel a little freaked out would be an understatement (and yes, I can laugh at myself about this!).
I woke up one morning and it felt like almost everything I was working on was going on hold~ let’s wait a month for this; let’s take a break this month; I am not sure I am ready for this; no answer to emails; and and and. Eeeekkkkkkk …. and all I wanted to do was start the next course I wanted to do, a course that I knew in the deepest part of my soul was going to seriously change my playing field. But if nothing was confirmed, and all on hold, was this a wise thing to do?
‘Is this a wise thing to do?”
And literally, that one single thought ‘is this a wise thing to do?‘ started to pump through my body, my brain, my sleep, my heart, my daydreams, my soul. And then those 7 words started to morph and evolve into all the self sabotaging thoughts you could imagine … what if you don’t succeed, what if you waste the money you about to spend because you won’t be able to get it back, what if it sets you back a year, what if you don’t cut it, what if, what if, what if. It ended on the penultimate humdinger of a thought that I have battled with my whole life …
What if you are not good enough for this, and you just need to face it and admit it?
This is pretty much the point I had got to when I started writing this blog, where I couldn’t breath and thought I was probably, in fact definitely having an anxiety attack. (Note: context given.)
It is a funny thing self sabotage, because when it is happening, only one of two things will happen, and more often than not (probably 90% of the time) only the one happens, very seldom the second. The predominant thing that happens is we believe what our inner voice is saying, we decide that ‘it is not a wise thing to do‘ and we put it into a pretty little box and shelve it for another lifetime. Sometimes it resurfaces, but we quickly remember “the” thoughts and that we are not to pursue it and we stick it back in its pretty box and just leave it be.
But, thankfully, I knew this time I was not prepared to settle, to give up, or to not try. And this is the other part that doesn’t often happen. It is not easy at all, and often I cannot see anything but the box and the shelf that this idea should go into … but as much as this ‘anxiety’ had taken over, I also seemed to see my next step … I had to call my ‘special person’ and go and talk this all through. I called her, and she was available … shew. Then something really amazing happened to me, while I was driving to meet her I got sent so many signs …
- I saw something that I associate with my granny which just made me feel like she was with me and she has always been my power house of strength,
- I then saw a huge sign that said ‘let’s make you strong’ which almost jumped out and shouted at me because I drive this road often and I had never seen this board before,
- Then I saw (and I am not exaggerating) about 8 street signs that showed I could not turn left or right into the side streets, again signs I had never noticed before, but which gave me comfort that I was on the right track,
- And as I was processing all of this, I came up behind another car that had the number plate “MAGIC” ~ I mean seriously??
I suddenly felt calmer and more at ease that I was doing the right thing, the universe was screaming out at me to keep going, keep persevering. I meet with my “special” and she talked me through all my confidence issues, where they come from, why I let them self sabotage me, why I listen, where I have got myself because of all the work I have done, and (most importantly) what it is that I want to do. And her parting words to me, that really stuck with me, were “Joy, when have you ever failed at anything you have set out to do?”.
And at that very moment I just knew, more than ever before that I had to keep going and trust and believe in myself. I had to find my inner confidence to keep going. Because it is the right thing to do for me, and this I am more than 100% sure of.
It is the right thing to do for me!
And if it is the right thing to do for me, it is a very wise thing to do.
So you might be asking, what do I do to make sure I don’t box and shelve the ideas I have for me? Well I would tell you to look at a few of the following ideas:
- When you have an idea, work at it and work at it, so you can really get under the skin of it, and see whether it is totally your thing, that one thing you need to give your all to
- From there I would also acknowledge and admit what you yourself could do to self sabotage the idea, how will you trip yourself up, how would you convince yourself that it is not a wise thing to do, unpack all the stumbling blocks you will create for yourself, starting with ‘I won’t have time’
- Watch out for signs for you, they are everywhere, just open your mind up to see what you need to see and they will appear, and you will know they were meant for you
- Then find that person you can tell the idea to (who you trust implicitly) and ask her/him to hold you true to doing it justice, because when a stumbling block is thrown in your path, you can call this person and talk it through, but they need to be objective and more than anything their job is to make sure you don’t just give up when the going gets tough, because it will be tough
How does that sound? If you have any specific challenges you face or want to put out there, share them in the comments and I will respond with some thoughts on how to get around it, or meet it head on.
And if you have a friend that you think would benefit from my story, send this on, share far and wide, because we all need to remember that we actually have so many ideas that do not belong in pretty little boxes.
I look forward to hearing your stumbling blocks.