10 Jan Happy to not care so much … taxi driver :)
Every year I start off thinking that this year I am going to ‘tackle’ a specific issue that keeps my head going, over analyzing, and thinking … a lesson that I always seem to battle with … and each year I set out thinking that I will get through it … like I will deal with it, “it” being such a simple task, and it will be done and sorted and forever “off my issue” list.
What I realised is that each & every year the issue that I think I am going to tick off my list, is pretty much the same each & every time … I just seem to frame, or write it slightly differently.
A pretty defining moment happened to me in December.
But when I look back on all of last year, and even to all the years before that … it hit me how tough a year 2017 was for me, emotionally. And I think this pretty defining moment was just the ultimate culmination of everything that has been happening … to bring this issue front and centre, and almost force me to start looking and thinking about this all differently!
I worry first about what others will think & say about me, before anything else.
And because of this I end up saying nothing because I want to, either:
* keep the peace, or
* avoid any kind of conflict, or
* dodge someone thinking something bad about me, and
* all of the above
So I just don’t talk … about anything that has upset me, that I disagree with, when I need help, when I want to cry out and scream … I just keep quiet.
I completely know this is crazy, and it does absolutely no good for me in the long run … because all that happens is that I end up over anaylzing it to death and thinking about how unfair it is, or how hurt I am, or what an sh** that person was.
But as I continue to think about it … time passes. And then slowly, slowly, I stop thinking about it … probably because I have found something else to over-think about (haha).
So what am I going to do about it?
And not for 2018, for forever!!!
I have found a “safe word” for myself … when I realise I am saying nothing, I am going to say this one word to myself … actually it’s two words … taxi driver.
To me the taxi drivers on the road all have one thing in common, and they are so absolutely and totally dedicated to it, even motivated by it …
They do not care about anyone else … on the roads, in their way, in front of them, next to them, behind them, wherever … they just have one mission in that very moment, and that is to go forward.
Now realistically, as I am about to set out on this challenge, I know (and I can assure you) I will not behave anywhere close to how a taxi driver behaves on the road, but if I can use that mentality in my life, it will surely make a small difference to me everyday.
And let’s be honest, I have a heart, which will also come in to play, and we know a taxi driver does not (well not when they driving anyway)! So there is no risk of me becoming a complete bulldozer and going off on the other end of the scale on this. Absolutely no chance …
I just have to start to find my voice, and the strength to find my voice, when it comes to me and what is important to me!
So … happy taxi driver!